What If Perfectionism Isn’t a Problem?

Welcome to the Get Your Goal podcast, the place where ambitious, deep thinking women chart their own course- exploring the mindset, emotions, and daily practices that help you get your goal, your way, by being unapologetically you. I'm your host Pahla B, master certified life and goal coach and creator of the Daily 3 journaling framework. On this podcast, you'll learn to navigate your unique path to success by using the most powerful tool in your kit, your own internal compass. Ready for the adventure? Let's go. Hello, friend. I have a question for us to ponder today, and you already know what it is because it was right there in the title. What if perfectionism isn't a problem? And here's the thing, I've been, I've been pondering this question myself for quite some time and I wanted to bring it to you today because I believe that there is a lot of conversation out in the world about [00:01:00] perfectionism and how it is a form of overthinking. And as a coach who really specifically offers you the Daily 3, my journaling framework to help you really work with and through your overthinking so that you can get your goal. You might think, oh, perfectionism, Pahla definitely thinks that that is going to be a problem. She's gonna tell me how to stop being so, you know, so careful and so precise, and she's gonna help me not be such a perfectionist anymore, and I want you to know that that is not my advice. Hence the question that was the title of this episode. I have been considering my own perfectionism for many, many years. I mean, I will tell you that this came up for me really specifically over the course of the last several weeks because I hired and have subsequently stopped working with somebody where all of my perfectionism came up for [00:02:00] me again. When I am specifically, okay here in my business, when I am working with vendors or contractors or other people in my business, VAs and uh, business managers and the like, that very often my my perfectionism comes right to the forefront when I am asking for other people to help me in my business. And while I have been pondering this, I have been asking myself this question about what if, what if my perfectionism isn't a problem? And for those of you who have been around the mindset block a time or two, you might be thinking, oh, you're asking yourself that question in a way that you're going to like circumvent your perfectionism and really release your need or desire for things to be perfect. And you're gonna learn how to let things go, and you're gonna tell yourself that done is better than [00:03:00] perfect and you're gonna start moving faster because you're gonna be really capable of putting out B minus work, and all of the, all of the, I'm gonna call it like regular business advice. There are so many business coaches really specifically, who talk about this sort of thing, that perfectionism slows you down and speed is the name of the game. And I'm actually gonna interrupt my narrative really quickly here and let you know that we are not only talking about perfectionism in business, we're talking about perfectionism on your way to any goal. Really specifically, the kinds of goals that I talk about around here are things like weight loss. Things like business, things like starting and running your own business, running a race, and navigating grief. These are, these are areas of goal getting that I have a lot of personal experience and dare I say, expertise. And by expertise, what I really mean is that these are goals that I have gotten almost entirely by [00:04:00] completely sliding in sideways and making a thousand mistakes on my way there. So, so I really offer you not, oh, I know the right way to do it. I actually know 10,000 wrong ways to do it, and I can teach you from there. Was that Thomas Edison? I think that, okay... That's one of those famous quotes that maybe gets attributed to one person that may or may not have come from them. But I think about that a lot, about, you know, I, I don't necessarily know the right way to do thing, but I absolutely know 10,000 wrong ways to do it. I am not a person who is afraid of making mistakes, which is part of why we're having this conversation here. I mean, on the one hand, I am definitely not afraid of making mistakes, and on the other hand, I absolutely 100% identify as a perfectionist as a person who spends time thinking about the way I want a thing done. Really specifically the things that have come up for me in my business [00:05:00] are, you're gonna laugh at this because it is something that sounds so funny. I really, really like to have the transcript of my podcast be, I'm gonna go ahead and say, perfect. Apropos of our topic today. Here's the thing that's super funny. Those of you who do read the pod, the podcast transcript, I mean the, like four of you who actually read the transcript, I know that not a lot of people read it. I know that, you know, quote unquote, everybody says it's not really that big of a deal. People can read around typos and mistakes. It's, it's just more about getting the gist of it. I really like the podcast transcript to be, not grammatically correct because I tell you what if, if you ever have read it, I don't speak grammatically correctly. My sentences wander aimlessly for miles off the beaten path, [00:06:00] in a way that it's actually really hard to edit the transcript because I'm like, is that a dash or an ellipses? Was that a sentence? Should I start a new sentence? There was a long pause there. Is that a comma? What? What are we doing with this? So, no, I do not edit my transcript for grammatical correctness. What I edit my transcript for is accuracy to the way I said something. I truly believe that, that my words, the way they come out of me while not grammatically correct with some frequency. I'm really paying attention to the way I am saying things now, and I'm getting all up in my head. Here we go with perfectionism, right? But here's the thing about what I want. What I want is accuracy because I do truly believe that my voice and the way that I say things [00:07:00] is vital to my business. That it is the heart and soul of my business is me being me. And that really is where we're going with this conversation today. I am not going to give you advice about how to let things go. I am not going to give you advice about how to put out substandard work and quote unquote be okay with it. What I'm gonna offer you is that perfectionism is not always a problem, and for those of you who do get caught up in it, it is not always not a problem either. What we're talking about on the podcast today is really understanding for yourself the nuances of when you are using perfectionism as a stalling technique or self-sabotage or a weapon against yourself. And when you can and dare I say, should, really [00:08:00] truly honor yourself. My deepest value is that you get to be you. The thing that I teach you here on the podcast and anywhere in my world is that on your way to the goal, the thing, the reason you have a goal is to learn something about yourself. And the thing that you get to learn about yourself is that you aren't wrong. That you being you, the real, true, vital, beautiful, fully alive version of you is your best version. And seeking that out and not covering it up and trying to meet somebody else's standards and trying to fit in and twisting yourself in a pretzel for other people's opinions, all of that is simply a distraction. When you explore all of your socialization and [00:09:00] find yourself, the real true nugget of who you are underneath everybody else's opinions, that really is your best way to your goal. And that is what I really wanna offer you here today. Instead of believing that you need to let something go, that you need to put out something that doesn't meet your standards, that you need to get there quickly or make it easier on other people, or speed is always the priority here. What I really wanna offer you is that you can have what you want. And you can have it your way when here comes the, here comes the part where we actually do some work on this. When you actually do that intentionally. Because right now, right now, if you are anything like me, you are probably behaving, in your [00:10:00] perfectionistic tendencies, from some version of urgency and some version of maybe even like rebellion. So coming back to my example about how I like the transcript to be edited for accuracy, if not necessarily grammatic correctness. This is, this is an argument that, argument's a big word, and in fact, I feel like I even just told this story very recently. My, my business manager used to talk to me about all kinds of things that I wanted to be done a very specific way. The, the podcast transcript was one of them, and her argument against me asking for accuracy was that nobody cares, very few people read it and other people can get the gist of it anyways. And I absolutely understand that point. In fact, I'm gonna contrast that with advice that I used to give as a weight loss coach. Very, very often, women would ask me about the very [00:11:00] fine details of weight loss. Really specifically, almost everybody almost every time would ask me about counting calories. Like, you know exactly how many calories are in this or, uh, actually, one of the questions that I use to get very frequently is, how often am I supposed to recalculate my calories? How often can I, like if I lose five pounds, can I drink less water? They would ask me about the very, very fine and specific details of the plan of losing weight. And my advice very frequently was some version of what my business manager would say to me, which is, it's fine. It's not really that big of a deal. It's okay to be inaccurate. And in my defense, because I can hear myself getting a little defensive about how I used to give this advice, I will tell you two things, actually. I'll tell you that anybody who ever gives you any advice, ever, like strategic advice, like here's how to do a thing, they are [00:12:00] 100% telling you, without often recognizing it themselves, but they are telling you their mindset blocks and their mindset super highways. When it comes to food, when it comes to water, when it comes to like calculating calories and water and sleep and exercise, and even mindset work. I feel so open and free, and I am 100% okay with, let's call it inaccuracy. For a variety of reasons. I can actually hear many of the reasons in my head, and none of them are important. If accuracy, especially on a podcast, on a podcast transcript, if accuracy feels really vital to you, like something that feels important and desirable for you, listening to a woman like me who says, eh, you're probably okay, is just such a grind against your soul. And [00:13:00] if that was you and I gave you advice like that, I apologize. I really do. For me inaccuracy, being really okay with this is all biological AKA messy science as opposed to like physics or gravity or chemistry, which are far more precise sciences, I actually feel fantastic that it's all gonna come out in the wash for something like food, exercise, water, and sleep, and mindset work. For heaven's sakes. If you've ever heard me talk about like everything counts as journaling, oh my gosh, my friend, everything counts as journaling. And the way to know the difference between something that is vital and important for you, versus the urgency. Because here's, here's what I often thought to myself when women would ask me about the very, very fine and specific details of weight [00:14:00] loss. I, generally speaking, heard that their questions were coming from a worry that they could get it wrong. A fear that inaccuracy was going to be the limiting factor on their ability to lose weight. And very often, specifically in situations where we have a lot of self-doubts and a lot of worries about, gosh, am I gonna be able to get my goal? Is this something that I really, truly can create for myself? I have a lot of historic evidence that this has been hard for me, that that I don't really know what I'm doing that, that I don't always have the success that I'm looking for. Like, when we get in these places where we have a lot of uncertainty, we also tend to come to that version of perfectionism where we think, okay, if I can just get it right, and somebody else can tell [00:15:00] me what right actually is, then oh, thank goodness I'll be able to create what I want. And that my friend is how you tell the difference between perfectionism that's going to stop you or at least slow you down and perfectionism that actually feels like you being really beautifully true to yourself. The way that I can tell, and this might be a litmus test for you, and it also might not. Again, let me offer you no advice here. Let me simply throw out some concepts for you to ponder for yourself. When you know how to recognize your own urgency versus your own, oh my gosh, I am deeply drawn towards this, then you will have your own, I call them red flags, things that I notice in myself. And this is what I'm gonna say to you. I have never, ever, ever, not even once asked for [00:16:00] somebody else's opinion about whether or not it's a good idea to edit my podcast transcript. It feels important to me, and I apologize. You probably just heard me thunking. I am talking with my hands. I'm getting very passionate about this topic. I'm flinging my hands wildly, and I just hit my microphone stand. Here's the thing for me. When I find myself looking for outside opinions, when I go Googling something, when I go ChatGPT-ing, which is now a verb, something, when I listen to podcasts about how to do a thing, when I am seeking somebody else's advice about a specific strategy, that is almost always the version of perfectionism that is going to stop or slow me down. That is me with some version of self doubt about my capabilities or about whether or not what [00:17:00] I am doing is the right thing. When something actually legitimately feels right for me, I don't... I was gonna say something, I was gonna say something naughty. I don't give a fig about somebody else's opinion. In fact, I mean, that's where we started with this conversation. My business manager gave me her opinion constantly about whether or not the podcast transcript needed to be edited, and I disagreed with it. I feel like this, this particular accuracy feels like me. I am a person who honestly rarely reads the transcripts of podcasts. The irony is not lost on me. But on the occasions that I do, I really do like when there are periods and commas. I like when things that are supposed to be capitalized are capitalized. I like when a person's name, for example mine, is spelled correctly because I know [00:18:00] when it's spelled wrong. I enjoy, and want for you, if such a thing is what you also really enjoy, I want for you the accuracy that I want for myself. Now as it happens, you might not give a fig about that specific kind of accuracy. You might read podcast transcripts and be completely okay with the grammar being all over the place and capitalization being, you know, non-standardized or wonky or whatever. And, that's really good information for you. Not just if you run a business, but that's really good information for you no matter what your goal is, that some things feel completely okay to you when they are inaccurate or dare I say sloppy or loosey goosey. There are plenty of areas of your life that you feel completely okay with [00:19:00] being what they are, and there are some areas of your life that you would like more precision, more accuracy. And the way to know the difference is to ask yourself a couple of different questions. And of course, if we are pondering a question today, if we are pondering the concept of perfectionism, I do have some questions for you to ask yourself. Because of course, I am a journaling expert. I am a person who asks incredibly good questions. I love asking myself questions. I love turning things around in my mind and understanding myself better, and I also deeply enjoy offering you that same conduit into yourself. You probably already know that I have a journaling framework that helps you really see yourself, really ask yourself good questions. It's called the Daily 3. I have a free masterclass that explains all about [00:20:00] it, that can really show you the types of journaling, because there are three types of journaling, that help you move towards your goal by being you. By uncovering the socialization of other people's standards, other people's opinions that you, you know, took on at some point in time in your life and really leaning into you knowing yourself beautifully and deeply so that you can have what you want. I also have lists of questions for you. I call them guided journaling experiences with really precisely goal getting questions about your specific goal. The the areas, the goals that I have, the expertise in the 10,000 ways you can do it wrong, and the pitfalls that I ran up against, the places where I found mindset blocks on my own journey to writing my best selling novel, to qualifying for a Boston Marathon, to my own [00:21:00] successful business, to my own navigation of grief, and to my own permanent weight loss. The guided journaling experiences offer you some of my best questions that you can ask yourself, so that you can dig into your own brain, your own socialization, your own mindset blocks and mindset super highways. And of course, inside the Get Your Goal membership, I, I ask you questions directly on the coaching calls, and we do this kind of work where we really ponder what it is that feels most like us. There are not a lot of places in the world where you are encouraged to have your own brand of perfectionism. There are a lot of people in the world who want you to push through it, who want you to go faster, who want you to just hustle harder and put your own desires to the side in [00:22:00] service of, and that's the thing, they offer it to you in service of your goal. Oh, if you just put out B minus work, you'll get to your goal faster. What I have really deeply come to understand about myself is that yes, sometimes I care about faster, especially if we're talking about running, but also not if we're talking about running goals. What I love is accuracy, precision, understanding the why and the how, and the mechanism and the how things work on my way to full and complete mastery of a skill. What I offer you, while you are pondering your own perfectionism and whether it is slowing you down and whether or not slowing down actually bothers you, are a couple of questions. First and foremost, the one that I love for everything, what do I [00:23:00] want? And I'm asking you what do you want? Just so we're clear on the syntax of that. You know, I think that was, was that literally just the last podcast? Where I think the title of it was, What Do You Want? And then during the podcast, because I really like to offer you journaling prompts in first person, because when you ask yourself the question, that is how you can get your best answer. What do I want? Will help you hear yourself. Because sometimes when we hear that word you, we really are looking outside of ourselves still. So the first and foremost question, what do I want? Like, what do I truly want? What is my desire? The next question is, what do I value? Because my friends, when somebody else tells you their advice about how to do something or what to do, or why to do it, or where to do it or when, or any of those other sorts of things, they are [00:24:00] telling you their values. They're telling you their mindset blocks, their mindset super highways. They're telling you what they want, what they value. And this final question. What are my priorities? Because here's the thing, sometimes, sometimes you might want something and value something and butt up against another thing that you want and value. For example, here on the podcast, I want to bring you a podcast... occasionally with some regularity. I, I used to do podcasts once a week. I do not offer a specific once a week timeline anymore because that felt like somebody else's opinion. That felt like somebody else's timeline. What I love to do, what I want is to honor my creative energies. I [00:25:00] want to bring you a podcast when it feels hot in my body to talk to you about something that I truly believe can help you and move you forward on your path to your goal by being more you ha ha, roll credits. I also like to check in with you with some regularity. My, my standard, my value, my priority is to have a podcast for you approximately once a week, once every 10 days, once every two weeks. When I took a 10 month hiatus, that felt too long to me, but I also, gosh, I had so much to discover about myself and my podcasting and my voice and who I am in the world and in my business, and my values, and my priorities and all of those things. I actually really stand by the hiatus that I took because I had so much time and space in my brain to hear what I had been telling myself, how I was trying to meet somebody else's [00:26:00] standard of perfection. Right before I took that hiatus, I was trying to script every single word of the podcast trying to get it right. I received one piece of feedback that really dug into something that I worried about, about myself. Actually, it was not one piece of feedback. I have received this feedback numerous times, and it took me those 10 months to like work through it. Somebody actually left a review though, and those things are permanent. That that I'm, that I ramble, that I was rambling. That I should just get to the point. And it's true. Sometimes when I'm listening to other people's podcasts, I really do like them to get to the point. I love to get right to the heart of the matter. I like to get information, I like to hear their strategies so that I can move forward and on with myself and, and. That is actually not the kind of podcast that I have here. This podcast what I want, what I value [00:27:00] is even though I can't see your face right now, I value connecting with you. I actually value my own rambling. I value having what feels like a conversation with you, even though it's a monologue, even though I'm the only one talking. I love thinking about how you might be responding to what I'm saying versus just getting to the point and teaching you something immediately and calling it good. That, to me, feels very one-sided. That feels very much like a top down, I'm the one talking, you're the one listening. Versus... I mean like right here, right now. I am really thinking about you. How you might be taking this in, how this might feel for you. How, how this might create a connection between us, how you might see yourself in me and in what I'm saying, and how it might finally, after 50 [00:28:00] plus years of judging yourself for having your standards for valuing accuracy and perfection in a way that nobody else in the world seems to understand. I want you to know that I see you, and I let you know that by rambling at you. And by cracking myself up, my friend. The thing about the podcast, when I used to script it all, I was trying so, so, so hard to make it that version of perfect for somebody else, not me. When you, oh my gosh, when you can really, truly feel in your body, the difference between trying to make something perfect for your imaginary alleged, or even real corporeal audience of people who say things to you on the internet or to your face in real life, when you can [00:29:00] really feel the difference between trying to perform for that audience versus truly and deeply honoring your glorious internal self. Oh, my friend. It sets you free. It sets you free to sit in a cozy room with your glowing get your goal neon sign, rambling, and laughing, and having a good time, and then really struggling to edit this for grammatic correctness later. Because trust me, none of these were proper sentences, but here we are. But here we are. My friend, what if your perfectionism isn't actually a problem at all? What if you can know yourself really deeply and really beautifully and really lovingly? What if you can ask yourself, what do I want? What do I value? And what are my [00:30:00] priorities? Oh, I didn't finish that part of it. Hey, let's come back around to that, 'cause what I was telling you was what I, what I value and what are my priorities with this podcast. I value connecting with you. I value getting a podcast out with, uh, some frequency, whatever that ends up being. I value following my creative energy. I value the accuracy of the transcript, I interestingly do not care one wit for the show notes, I very frequently I do actually ask chat GPT to help me with the show notes because that doesn't feel nearly as important to me. So fascinating and this is where, this is where we come up with the priorities. I actually do not care for using AI for like 99.9% of my writing. When I write you an email, when I write, uh, posts on social media, when I write my book, for example, [00:31:00] I really like to be the one writing it. And, or but, whichever way you wanna hear this. The show notes of the podcast feel really different to me. Might I feel differently about this later? Is this a mindset block? Yeah, possibly. There's an excellent chance, and I'm gonna, I'm gonna put a pin in this and work on that on my own time. My priority is the speaking of the podcast and the transcript of the podcast, my priority is not necessarily the show notes. I do actually feel that show notes are very performative. That show notes are a hoop I jump through because they're available and the, the algorithm wants you to have them the, you know, um, search engine optimization wants you to have them. Like. Show notes to me feel currently performative. I can actually already hear since I'm verbally processing [00:32:00] this and you're welcome to it. I can actually already hear how the show notes could be another way of connecting with you, though. I could make the show notes mine. I wonder if I've been avoiding that by offering it to AI instead of writing it for myself. I was gonna tell you, I was legitimately coming to this to tell you that rehashing something that I have already said doesn't feel like me. It doesn't feel like my zone of genius. But also I don't have to do it that way. That that really is the way I've been thinking about show notes is that it needs to be a rehashing and that it is very performative that I write show notes to get people, and I used air quotes on that one to listen to the podcast. But what if that's what, not what show notes are for at all? What if it's one more way that I can be me and I can show you that this work is really for you? [00:33:00] Okay, well that really puts a new spin on the show notes. I can't wait to read my own show notes for this particular episode. My friend. Here's what I'm gonna tell you about priorities. Actually, here's really where I'm going with priorities. When it came down to asking somebody else to edit my podcast transcript, my priority very subtly changed. I do love accuracy, but I also do not love paying somebody else what I considered an exorbitant amount of money per hour to edit something that they didn't care about. I will happily pay myself 'cause I mean, I work for myself, so it's not even really a salaried position or it is a salaried position. It's not an hourly position. I will happily pay my own time and effort for podcast show notes, or not show notes. Ooh hmm. Maybe show notes too. I'll [00:34:00] happily pay myself my time and effort and brain space for the show notes and the transcript. Oh, that feels so lovely. Let me finish what I'm saying. The transcript I will pay myself for, but my priority if I'm spending money on it, is some other business activity. You have priorities. You have values and you my friend, have desires. When you actually articulate them to yourself, it is an unerring compass to you getting what you want, doing it your way. I really hope that this was helpful for you today. It sure was fun for me. Gosh, I get, I get credit for journaling. I get credit for podcasting. I mean, this was a win-win. Thank you so, so [00:35:00] much for being on this journey with me, my friend. I'll talk to you again soon. No matter where you are on your goal getting journey, I'm here to help. Get started by watching the free Daily 3 masterclass to learn the simple journaling framework that rewires your brain for success. Move forward with confidence at your pace with one of my goal specific guided journaling experiences. And when you're ready for immersive exploration with fellow travelers just like you, you belong in the Get Your Goal membership. Find it all and join the adventure at getyourgoal.com.